The Silence of the Damned

​I've never shied away from speaking up whenever I felt a situation warranted it, whether in person or on social media. And God knows there has been no shortage of issues to rail against over the years, with most of my rants directed at anything I considered unfair - abuses of power, curtailing of rights, the implementation of control mechanisms, bills and laws that made life immeasurably more difficult for the average citizen.

But even as I expressed anger, or disbelief, or nausea, at some new twist in the development of world affairs, I took great pains to stay measured in my response and to remain factual, avoiding the pitfalls of subjective perception, logical fallacies and emotionally lashing out. I've always made it a point to consider the other side, and the counterarguments of those who view things differently. And while I'm not immune to latent knee-jerk reactions, I catch myself in time and step back for a minute, an hour, sometimes even a day before saying or writing something I can't take back.

Unlike a great number of my virtual friends, I never went to Facebook jail. Maybe it was because I wasn't inflammatory with my language, or didn't get into shouting matches with anyone. I believe in respect. If anyone ever did insult me, which was rare, my response was either short and ice cold, or I simply walked away. Only twice was I fact-checked - when I'd once attributed a quote to the wrong person, and when I shared the joke about me having exactly as many PhDs as Bill Gates. Facebook educated me that Gates did not, in fact, have a PhD. Sarcasm was clearly lost on the fact checkers.

So I posted regularly - my take on issues of concern, a great quote I discovered just when I thought I'd heard them all, and of course lighter and more humorous posts that were too good not to share but still danced around the lines. Once in a blue moon I'd post something more personal, but the plight of humanity was always at the top of the list. Social media was a way to communicate with the world, and I wanted to at least get people to think.

My view of things wasn't everyone's cup of tea of course, and I somehow managed to irritate people on both sides of the aisle because I don't take a left-right stand but evaluate issues on their merits, not on who is supporting them. Still, I lost friends, or stopped hearing from them. It always saddened me somewhat, but I respect everyone's right to have their own views.

On the plus side, I'd get the odd private message here and there from people who, for reasons of their own, did not feel capable of speaking up in such a way and were grateful that I was. Or to say they hadn't considered something until I brought it up. Or even stating that they profoundly disagreed but understood where I was coming from. I deeply appreciated every one of those messages.

But over the last few months, they've intermittently taken on a different nature. "Are you okay?" "You haven't posted anything in a while." "You've quieted down, hope everything is good."

Well, yes.

And no.

My personal life is great. I've been in the US for over a year now, living with the man I love, and if we could only find a house we'd be sailing. I haven't for one moment second-guessed my decision to make this permanent. As far as I'm concerned, it's the perfect relationship, and worth all the necessary changes and compromises.

But in order to stay here, I need a green card, and that green card comes with conditions.

One of them requires me to catch up on all my shots. I thought I was home-free when Trump took the covid injection off the table almost as soon as he took office, and I breathed a deep sigh of relief. I hadn't withstood the vaccine propaganda for three years in Canada just to have to take the fight back up again in the US. What I hadn't expected was for the doctor who examined me as part of the application process to say I needed to take six other ones. I was floored. I hadn't had a vaccine in 50 years.

So that little curveball set me back $5,000 (on top of the $15,000 the process was already costing me) as I had to submit an official vaccine waiver. And if you thought that the 4th amendment carried any weight, or that questioning the science was in any way a valid argument, you'd be dead wrong. It has to be a matter of religious and/or moral objection, a reflection of your profound beliefs.

Which is perfectly fine since it does counter my deepest beliefs and the way I live my life. So you bite the bullet and fill out the 36-page questionnaire to properly convey your moral objections, all the whilst hoping that paganism is afforded the same consideration as Christianity, Islam and Buddhism.

But I also began watching scary developments from the sidelines. Visa-holding students, legitimately in the USA, being deported for their criticisms of Israel. Visitors from abroad being turned back at customs for social media posts that harshly criticized, or mocked, the President. Long-time residents and green card holders not allowed re-entry into the States for obscure reasons. Not to mention the ICE invasion.

I was starting to worry. Not that I had publicly criticized Israel, to my knowledge anyway. I always felt that I didn't know enough to be making irrefutable arguments. I'd probably voiced criticism of the current President during the early stages of his first term, but things had gone pretty well in those four years, and, most critically, he had not started any new wars, which counted for a lot. So I was willing to support him in his second. 

Still, I felt I was on shaky ground. Who knows what could be considered offensive or disrespectful of the current cabinet, or antisemitic for that matter. Was sharing a heart-breaking video of starving Gazans getting bombarded while waiting in line for food okay? Was defending Canada, my native country, after being mercilessly taunted to become the 51st state - as if any American would have tolerated the mere suggestion of becoming Canada's 11th province - acceptable? Was pointing out that even illegal aliens were, in very clear terms, protected by the Constitution from being deported without due process, going to come back and bite me in the rear? And what about all my 9/11 stuff - was that a dealbreaker? Advocating for the fact that it was an inside job? I never engaged in general blanket accusations such as "the Government did it!", but the implications of all things 9/11 was pretty much that. With outside help of course.

I started turning down the volume. Changed the status of my profile to private. Just to be safe.

I'd see posts that were spot-on, perfectly describing reality as I saw it, that my old self would have immediately jumped on. I saw cutting memes that were brilliant, and opted to leave them be. I'd come across videos, insights, commentaries, interviews that were so important for people to know about, and I'd bite my tongue, my lip, even my fist sometimes, trying to rein in my natural instinct of wanting to bring things to people's attention, with whatever humble insights I could offer.

I wanted to scream, but instead I got quieter by the day. Sticking to lame stuff for the most part. Safe things. Funny things. I even came across a new quote I fell in love with. But what was visible on the outside became a very vanilla reflection of the person behind the screen.

And then they updated the rules for green card applicants. All social media profiles had to now be listed, and all profiles made public.

I couldn't believe that this is where we were at. As I looked enviously at my friends posting like it was going out of style, I censored myself more and more. Here I was, in the country with a first amendment that protects free speech, and I'd never felt so muzzled. Even in the worst times of covid censorship, I'd found my workarounds, but never did I have to worry about getting kicked out of the country I was living in, or worse, having someone show up at my door to deport me. Of course I was here legally - I had all the paperwork, even a work permit - but what was that worth? A friend of mine insisted that the authorities didn't care about some blue-eyed, fair-haired 57-year-old female from Canada, but who really knew. 

Never mind that I had worked my whole life, never taken advantage of the system, been a productive member of society, cared deeply about humanity, volunteered throughout much of my adulthood, lived in a loving and committed relationship - it's putting my thoughts in writing that could now get me sent back to where I came from.

And the thing was - even if I had considered going back through my timeline and deleted any post that may be considered problematic (something I refused to do, because I won't apologize for my views), the fact was that Gene was most definitely not holding back on social media, and I have no idea if they can make a case for guilt by association.

So here I am. Stuck in a waiting pattern until the review process.

I try not to think about it, there's no point. But I'd be lying if I said it wasn't always in the back of my head.

People take freedom of speech for granted, and I was fully guilty of that myself. Losing that freedom is painful, and suffering. That may sound overly dramatic, but for someone who needs to speak, write, and communicate like she needs to breathe, it's agonizing. 

So I use my tiny little insignificant blog to let out some much-needed steam. If they dig so deeply into their character-vetting process that they actually stumble across this piece, then so be it. Let the chips fall where they may. I'll reassemble them any which way I can. Hopefully from inside the United States.

Happy Independence Day. Cherish your freedom. Stand up for it. Fight for it.

You don't know what you got till it's gone. And you don't know who's next.

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